Oct 31 2012

Last October

Time runs past us. Seven days ago, I sat in my town of birth, writing something abstract about love and it’s complications.

Now, I sit in my other town of birth. The place where I fell and was utterly destroyed. The place where I was carried ever onwards by brothers next to me and built up again.

Haha. It’s kind of funny how life becomes. In a moments notice, the world can turn around. What can feel like a second away, can be hours or maybe even weeks away and vice versa. I accept.

I’m on a dried up river
Beside a broke down levee
I’ve got nothing to give you
But a lonesome song

Just a little bit worn out
Just a little bit bitter
I gotta let my guard down
I gotta loosen my grip

And the ground is frozen
And the air is colder
But my heart is open
Beating out of time

Come and play in my sheets tonight?

I couldn’t care less cause i’m transfixed in this absolute bliss.

 

You wonder if i’m happy or not. Well. Look in the mirror.

 


Oct 23 2012

What do you feel?

Here I am. Naked before you. And I remember everything.

 

Love.

Humanity may never have overused, overexpressed, overfelt and overdetermined another word in our existance. The word means nothing alone. But put two humans that like one another beside eachother and skadoosh! – you’ve got a endocrinical and neurological inferno within, AKA an emotional response. Few other things has been dug into that deep in the history of man. Our relentless capacity to always manage to “fall in love” in other people.. Where does it come from?

Wikipedia gives me no such answers but more questions. The vast internet pool of knowledge contains nothing that would direct me to a source of reliable wisdom. The only thing that caught my mind was, an I quote:

“It would be very difficult to explain love to a hypothetical person who had not himself or herself experienced love or being loved. In fact, to such a person love would appear to be quite strange if not outright irrational behavior.”

Have I loved in this manner? “Yes”, I want to scream. Irrational behaviour, strangeness and unprecedented choices that sets a course of actions that ultimately leads to pure bliss. It was all a part of it. Almost like any drug abuse out there. The parable has been used before.. In any case (a sentence I’ve noticed I tend to overuse), whatever I may say or contemplate about love, it won’t change the fact on how it has affected me. Even though I revel in the thought of being a monk in a faraway land somewhere high up the mountains… It doesn’t change who and what I created within myself. After you.

I have an illusion that through PTSD and other unexplainable reasons; I don’t feel anymore. Nothing feels the same. Not even hugging the one I once loved. I reckon that it’s an illusion. Because in few caring moments somedays, I still feel like the┬ávulnerable young man I once was. It hints me in regular life. Haunts me when I dream. And remains a solid part of my flesh.

Still. Mostly I do not feel right now. Not even you. I do find myself within that, and carry on with my low-life. But then again, even that could be an illusion in itself.

 

What I do know is – If God would let me – I would love you, until world’s end.