Forever thine, forever mine, forever ours.

 

“Such is my love, to thee I so belong,
That for thy right myself will bear all wrong. ”

– William Shakespeare

We’ve been deployed for a little more than a week now.
The Afghan winter shows us little mercy in terms of temperature and radical weather changes. We’ve been out doing “missions” for almost everyday since our departure from the north, which of course is the reason we are here.
I can’t help but to critisize my every wrong move. It’s easy to get caught up in the ever harassing, perfectionistic and testosterone community this job offers. It also offers low self esteem, maximum irritation and in some ways unhealthy perspectives of life.
In the end though, it sure offers a lot more than that. It offers brotherhood, a very high self esteem and experience in fields no other human outside understand. Everything can be summerized and is transformed into memories never given anywhere else in life.

It is my absolute will to extract peaceful emotions from the back of my mind when irritation and anger seems to be the dominating factor on the day at hand. As nerdy as I could be sometimes, I seriously try to recite the following code to put my mind at ease while taking a deep breath.

     “There is no emotion; there is peace.”
        – The Jedi Code

A question that always ends up in my head in the end of our days is: Does our activity and presence really change anything in this ancient and seemlingly timeless place on earth?
The majority of people in Kabul and other big cities might actually give a shit. They are one part of the twenty percent that actually vote in this country, the other seventy percent really doesn’t bother or even know that they are a part of another big society. To the native and more common farmer out there, we might just be another alien doing wierd stuff, coming here with our technology and shaking their everyday life a bit.
We might still do some good. You can’t expect to change a country over just a few years with this kind of operations.

Some days ago though, we were in one of the very remote villages in the outskirts of Balkh – for the record, an ancient center of trading back in the days of Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan. Even though Marco Polo described the place as a “noble and great city”, the place has long lost its significance. Nowadays, it just resembles ruins and people living in houses made out of mud and sand.
In any case, this village actually gave me hope. Our mission was a bit fuzzy at first, we settled outside a local school to discuss with the elders about their problems and hear them out. Meanwhile, soldiers like me and my comrades held a 360 degree security around the school. The children flocked around us in times and at one time they might have noticed the medical cross on my back, signaling to me that I was a “doctor” of some sorts. I was quietly honoured by their misinterpretation, and signaled to my buddy to hold my sector while I focused on the childrens pleas.
They talked with a tounge that I didn’t understand. But their gestures gave me a hint of what was going on. They wanted help, of course. They pushed forward one of the smaller boys (maybe five or six years old) and he showed me his hands – they were fully covered with small bruises and wounds. I carefully examined him, wondering if I really could help this little soul. It could be a burn or it could be the notorious Leichmaniasis desise given by sand flies.
My squad leader giving me a green signal on my request of helping him, I put on my gloves on and started cleaning and using all the tools I knew I had to make it barable. Under the care, he himself and his friends eyes lit up, putting on a smile aimed at me. It was almost like I was actually helping this little fellow, at least giving him a brighter day to look back to. The feeling was excagirating.
It might just had been me, but when I helped him, all went into focus – there was only me and him. My surroundings were blurred out and I didn’t notice the people around me at first. I really blame myself for that AND acknowledge the potential. Never let your guard down in this country, but the sensation and intense focus I generated was flawless. It occured in just a few minutes, then my head started to fill up with every other problem in the world once more..

I might have helped his hands. I might not. My caring actually could have worsen the wounds on his hands, given I didn’t know the cause of it. It wasn’t really a big deal any way. I just did “something” for a change.
 Altough, I want to believe that this young man chooses not to grow up to become an “insurgent” or “taliban” at first hand that want to pick up a gun and shoot at us at first sight. He might even tell his friends and family not to go that way either.
Either way, I’m letting myself become satisfied with my surroundings for the time being.

I really need to work on my mood and ignore the intense pain when the afghan cold actually hits the very bones of my hands and toes.

May the force be with us.
Lance Corporal Fresh, out.

“jag älskar alexander”

And I love her. With all my heart and mind. My body and soul. My bones and the very cells that continue to divide inside me. They all embody the love that I extract from her. My seraphim of passion”, she twist my insides with joy and lust. My succubus of love, her magic works directly into my very soul.

I’ll gladly give her the key to my kingdom inside. So that she might release my pandoras box within my mind, over and over..

“He who stands with me shall be my brother.” – Adeptus Astartes

As quoted, all those in favour of my actions and present being – are my brothers and sisters to the end. I would sacrifice the world for them. I don’t always show it nor tell it, but I hope they feel it when we grow into eachother with the hugs of eternal gratitude. Who am I to achieve this lucky charm that grants me these friends in need, this girl of my dreams and this ultimate family of mine?

A toast! For my brother and his everlasting wisdom and patience with his younger counterpart. Without him, I wouldn’t exist. Another toast for my Mother and Father! For their neverending love and being the parents that I, myself, would like to grow up to become. Let’s toast one more time! For all my friends that bare with me and my ideas of space exploration and world domination. A last toast! For me, myselves and I.

We are all, One. What I do for myself, have a direct effect on You. What you do to me and to yourself. Creates everything.

I’m off to strangeland. To desert and snow combined. A land with forgotten treasure and hostile environments. A land with beauty and mystisicm. I will trespass it’s borders once more, for a fraction of a time in space seemingly endlessness. It will feel like forever, i’m sure of it. I will miss everything, and more, of that mentioned above. Tears will fill my insides as I fly away from this northern haven of security. Nevertheless, our journey has just begun – thus our sorrow will be answered with happiness, i’m sure of it. Precognition isn’t our cup of tea. So let us finish this cup with smiles, gratitude and love.

Paradox, Humour and Change. They will always dominate life, as we know it. As You will always dominate my life.

I love you all,

Yours sincerely, Lance Corpral Fresh

I thought of you this morning

What about it?

I find myself in the beginning of a journey. A journey that will determine quite a lot and set a stamp in my book of life. In a few weeks, i’ll be going with my fellow comrades to Afghanistan. I’ve visited this historical and war-torned country once before, but just brief. Altough brief enough to give me a before-hand feeling of what is to come these following months – an exclusive cocktail of life’s strongest emotions; excitement, boredom, happyness, sorrow and love.. Shaken, not stirred. Please.

I will miss everything at home that makes my life worth living. Especially she who holds my love with the caring hand of a Goddess. I want her to feel it, and that she will be worshipped in her absence without question. Unable to express my feelings in human words, I will have to get back to this in a later chapter.

I do feel a lot more content these days than before. Although I can’t be sure that it isn’t my imagination, but somewhere I have to believe in my own creative evolution, so to speak. I will take time to meditate on this further to cristallize and focus on this feeling a bit more. Still, even though I might feel and seem content or mindful, it all do feel like a spectacular acting. Sometimes I even act infront of myself to stand for some delusional, fortifying, self-centered dream of mine. Healthy or not, I know my boundries. Some times, I’d rather not. Ignorance is bliss.

Mentoring.

I’ve been searching for a mentor-like persona for a great deal of my life. Not that internet sort of mentoring and not those ten minutes talks with a self proclaimed expert in some field. I would gladly dedicate my life to another person in the sense that he/she would teach me the very essence of living. And yes of course, the world is my neverending teacher. But sometimes I cannot interpret what the world need of me, and it’s in those times, I would need someone to translate and give me that poke on the nose and tell me that i’m not focused enough. I am tired of searching – Teachers in school, athletic trainers, officers in the military, friends of friends… The list goes on. But at the beginning of this year, I found a clear substitute for it, that I had forgotten existed. Books. They aren’t nearly as pedagogy as a human being can be, but they give me what I want – Information when I ask for it. Some books even tell me what to do to achieve different things. Isn’t it marvelous?

Seriously though, misunderstand me right, as you say in swedish. I love my newly christined fascination about books. But in the end, they are only as real as you make them. Like this text I am writing this very moment. Is it really me or you writing these words?

Love life!