“What do I care for your suffering? Pain, even agony, is no more than information before the senses, data fed to the computer of the mind. The lesson is simple: you have received the information, now act on it. Take control of the input and you shall become master of the output.”
– Chairman Sheng-ji Yang

I make a choice to write these lines, you make a choice to read them. Symbiosis?

Choices that we consider small and some that we consider big. What’s the difference between the big and the small choice anyway? What’s in-between them? Where is the medium sized choice? People tend to say that it’s the smaller, more frequent, choices that makes you into what you are – in the eyes of someone else, of course.

My choices elude me. Are they made out of a free mind? There are regulations to follow, laws and rules you should abide to. There are forms of mannerism and other f*cking ideas of how you should act, react and take action while choices are made. I guess I never was much of a, think first and choose thereafter, kind of person.

“Most people regard having choices as a good thing, though a severely limited or artificially restricted choice can lead to discomfort with choosing and possibly, an unsatisfactory outcome. In contrast, unlimited choice may lead to confusion, regret of the alternatives not taken, and indifference in an unstructured existence; and the illusion that choosing an object or a course leads necessarily to control of that object or course can cause psychological problems.”

The feeling is ascending from the depths towards the surface. Scratching on the insides. Sometimes almost like the soaring blaze of a white flame that blinds every other rational thought.. So all that is left is pure rage. Blood lust in it’s pre-mature form.

No, i’m not angry at the moment. But there are times when I do carry explosives inside my jacket, ready to hit the red button and unleash an unknown fury. I reckon we all have it. But like me, we find ways to disarm and hide it. Hide it from others and especially from ourselves. Eventually though, hidden things tend to step forward and unveil their masks of truth.

“I’m gonna break into your house and then I’ll kill your dog and set the house on fire..  Then I’ll dance through your garden naked like some mad, crazed werewolf. I’ll bite and I’ll mangle and I’ll tear the tongue out of everything that’s breathing.
Then I’ll hurl myself into the sky, the ethereal sky, flaming, like God’s darkest angel.. And I’ll explode into a goddamn heavenly fireball. Boom.”

One second later – I am back.

As if awakening from a dream. A great dream. But real choices has been made and memories has been created. At least that is the reality I wish to create.

A little more than a week in and I once more get the feeling of being accustomed to the landscape that stands before me. Altough this time, we were greeted by the long awaited warmth that the afghan spring ought to bring. Our activities are somewhat halted by the freedom fighters of America, who tends to cast religious and holy books into the fires of hell, just to watch the flames come chasing them, haunting them, afterwards. My last patrol started in the middle of the night – When the order fell, we started out making all the arrangements beforehand. I double-checked my gear, atuned my nightvision goggles, checked the radio transmitter and visualized how I would act if a critical event would occur. After that I closed my eyes for what seemed like seconds before the alarm clocks rang once more, it was a “Go”…

OpSec is a word of common use where I delve. The word itself gives me a “No Go” on describing things that tend to happen. Still, here on this blog and on this particular webpage on the world wide web, I am the master. The Sith Lord of this domain. I make the rules. So in the end we have “acedia“, as part of one of the seven sins, a word that actually describe something (or anything.. Or maybe everything). Or maybe it’s just that I’ve been awake for about 36 hours and counting while this peace of art is being written.

I have to admit that the feeling of having no food in my stomach, the feeling of being totally exhausted and tired combined with having every muscle in your body screaming for rest.. That is why I love this job. That feeling is priceless. The feeling of being alive. Funny thing is, once you skip the regular sleep just once the world transforms before you; And your perception of it tends to get really screwed up. Or maybe it’s just a change? A transformation just like anything else? We are just to blind to see it…

This is Lance Corporal Fresh, Out.