Jun
22
2012
I try my best. I push myself to the limit. My limit. At least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Sometimes I just… lose it. The feeling. The concentration. Life as a whole. I lose it. As I just lost it.
I clear it for a second. But almost instantly my mind fills up again with all sorts of stuff. Stuff that doesn’t really matter. Stuff that is of the yesterday, and stuff that resides in the future. Unable to concentrate on the task at hand. Have I always been like this? Will this be the cause of my ultimate fate? Fate as it is, shows me a path that I’ve been quite unaware of. A path that will take me to my dreams. The path won’t be easy and it won’t give me a easy time. I will not find peace here.. But on the other hand, my dreams never really gave me that impression. Peace comes afterwards I tell myself. The prize of immortality.
My limit must be broken, my old habits destroyed and the concentration of now must be amplified and achieved. I know I can do it. I also know that I really can mess it all up. But I will prevail myself. Otherwise it will all be for nothing.
“Never compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon. That’s always been the difference between us…”
– Walter Kovacs
no comments | posted in Abstract, Military, Unlimited
Jun
11
2012
I am back now. My feet has met the earth and my fingers has touched people that I love once more. There is no more illusion about how life is suppose to be here. The only illusions still there are my own. In my mind. In my self-made prison.
I’m really trying.
Adaptation [ˌædəpˈteɪʃən ˌædæp-] n
- the act or process of adapting or the state of being adapted; adjustment
- something that is produced by adapting something else
- something that is changed or modified to suit new conditions or needs
- (Biology) Biology an inherited or acquired modification in organisms that makes them better suited to survive and reproduce in a particular environment
- (Physiology) Physiol the decreased response of a sense organ to a repeated or sustained stimulus
- (Psychology) Psychol (in learning theory) the weakening of a response to a stimulus with repeated presentation of the stimulus without reinforcement; applied mainly to innate responses
I don’t really know what the words are anymore. I can’t say them out loud.
My life has been brought to justice for a brief moment. I am my own lawyer and my own prosecutor. The Judge, on the other hand, is none other than my other self.
I struggle back and forth with words to keep a good picture of myself in the courtroom, trying to be the good guy. Although, in this room, there is no jury. No public minds to twist with words. There is only me.
I realize that I have to take (resume) control of this courthouse, even if it means becoming the bad guy for a brief moment. The house is mine and mine alone. I was the judge once and can be again.. And as I step up to the
bench, I get a thundering feeling that sends itself like a lightning through my body. It was just the steps.. the mere will of control that was the difference between my previous weakness and my current power.
Sacrifices has been made in the history of time so that ideas and dreams can become a part of reality.
Without condoning or condemning,
I leave the roads of comfort, check my compass and start the journey..
“True enough, this compass does not point north.”
“…Where does it point?”
“It points to the thing you want most in this world.“
no comments | posted in Abstract, Emotions, Philosophy