Jan 2 2013

The Second of The First

Is there a chaos that lingers within? An anger that is defined by humanity’s most eagered monstrosity? A self-proclaimed darkness that in the end makes us hunt ourselves?

Undoubtly, Yes.
But it’s mine! And I flourish in my illusion that I can control it, mold it to my will and lastly keep it caged when I don’t want it expressed. May it be a false hope of control. In that case I let it control me, as long as it gives more than it takes..

A new year celebration has been experienced. 2013 has begun it’s reign in the western civilization backed up by the current Gregorian calendar. Many eastern countries celebrate the year 2556 according to the Buddhist era. Islamic countries and muslims celebrate the year 1435 based on their prophet Muhammed. The jews celebrate the year 5773 in autumn, referring to the 7-day creation of the world.The list goes on…
What can be drawn from this is that we still like to insert tradition into our lives and create days, periods or whatever things in our lives that ends up being – special. It is somewhere important to us, having these celebrations spread across the year. The ancient Mayan civilization made no exception to that when they created their (“doomsday”) calendar.

Myself, I like to think that I do not put energy into days that has no astronomical meaning to the world. I have often pointed out my eagerness of not implimenting these various traditions (of all kinds) into my life. Somewhere, I feel positive that we can survive better without them. Like, for example, christmas eve – that has become something else than a celebration – more of the standing visualized obelisk that represent consumerism in everyway.
But as time and years go by, I may have to alter that idea a bit. At least, mold it a bit according to modern day life.
Humans still need their “special” days, holidays and celebration. In that we ultimately celebrate life and learn to appreciate things that are not in our everyday life. People make resolutions or promises, like on this new year, to alter their life in some positive way.
Even though these ideas and “promises” to oneself may never really become what you initially think. They create hope. And hope.. Is best defined in a good way by “The Architect” from the Matrix movie:

Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

The new year does give me ideas of significance and hope. Altough I do not cherish in having any expectations. Not on myself, not on anyone else. With that also comes the product of true love. Passion for what I do, and passion for the things I really care about.
Passion for the woman I truly love, and deep passion that I bless myself having for the new life that grows inside of her.

Hence, I welcome the new year and what it brings with it. A new moment in time.
Frikkin’ beautiful in every way.

Nov 30 2012

Protected: I See You

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Oct 23 2012

What do you feel?

Here I am. Naked before you. And I remember everything.



Humanity may never have overused, overexpressed, overfelt and overdetermined another word in our existance. The word means nothing alone. But put two humans that like one another beside eachother and skadoosh! – you’ve got a endocrinical and neurological inferno within, AKA an emotional response. Few other things has been dug into that deep in the history of man. Our relentless capacity to always manage to “fall in love” in other people.. Where does it come from?

Wikipedia gives me no such answers but more questions. The vast internet pool of knowledge contains nothing that would direct me to a source of reliable wisdom. The only thing that caught my mind was, an I quote:

“It would be very difficult to explain love to a hypothetical person who had not himself or herself experienced love or being loved. In fact, to such a person love would appear to be quite strange if not outright irrational behavior.”

Have I loved in this manner? “Yes”, I want to scream. Irrational behaviour, strangeness and unprecedented choices that sets a course of actions that ultimately leads to pure bliss. It was all a part of it. Almost like any drug abuse out there. The parable has been used before.. In any case (a sentence I’ve noticed I tend to overuse), whatever I may say or contemplate about love, it won’t change the fact on how it has affected me. Even though I revel in the thought of being a monk in a faraway land somewhere high up the mountains… It doesn’t change who and what I created within myself. After you.

I have an illusion that through PTSD and other unexplainable reasons; I don’t feel anymore. Nothing feels the same. Not even hugging the one I once loved. I reckon that it’s an illusion. Because in few caring moments somedays, I still feel like the vulnerable young man I once was. It hints me in regular life. Haunts me when I dream. And remains a solid part of my flesh.

Still. Mostly I do not feel right now. Not even you. I do find myself within that, and carry on with my low-life. But then again, even that could be an illusion in itself.


What I do know is – If God would let me – I would love you, until world’s end.



Dec 28 2011


Forever thine, forever mine, forever ours.


“Such is my love, to thee I so belong,
That for thy right myself will bear all wrong. ”

– William Shakespeare

Dec 12 2011

Eternal Gratitude

“jag älskar alexander”

And I love her. With all my heart and mind. My body and soul. My bones and the very cells that continue to divide inside me. They all embody the love that I extract from her. My seraphim of passion”, she twist my insides with joy and lust. My succubus of love, her magic works directly into my very soul.

I’ll gladly give her the key to my kingdom inside. So that she might release my pandoras box within my mind, over and over..


“He who stands with me shall be my brother.” – Adeptus Astartes

As quoted, all those in favour of my actions and present being – are my brothers and sisters to the end. I would sacrifice the world for them. I don’t always show it nor tell it, but I hope they feel it when we grow into eachother with the hugs of eternal gratitude. Who am I to achieve this lucky charm that grants me these friends in need, this girl of my dreams and this ultimate family of mine?

A toast! For my brother and his everlasting wisdom and patience with his younger counterpart. Without him, I wouldn’t exist. Another toast for my Mother and Father! For their neverending love and being the parents that I, myself, would like to grow up to become. Let’s toast one more time! For all my friends that bare with me and my ideas of space exploration and world domination. A last toast! For me, myselves and I.

We are all, One. What I do for myself, have a direct effect on You. What you do to me and to yourself. Creates everything.


I’m off to strangeland. To desert and snow combined. A land with forgotten treasure and hostile environments. A land with beauty and mystisicm. I will trespass it’s borders once more, for a fraction of a time in space seemingly endlessness. It will feel like forever, i’m sure of it. I will miss everything, and more, of that mentioned above. Tears will fill my insides as I fly away from this northern haven of security. Nevertheless, our journey has just begun – thus our sorrow will be answered with happiness, i’m sure of it. Precognition isn’t our cup of tea. So let us finish this cup with smiles, gratitude and love.

Paradox, Humour and Change. They will always dominate life, as we know it. As You will always dominate my life.

I love you all,

Yours sincerely, Lance Corpral Fresh

Dec 1 2011

Destined to Live

What about it?

I find myself in the beginning of a journey. A journey that will determine quite a lot and set a stamp in my book of life. In a few weeks, i’ll be going with my fellow comrades to Afghanistan. I’ve visited this historical and war-torned country once before, but just brief. Altough brief enough to give me a before-hand feeling of what is to come these following months – an exclusive cocktail of life’s strongest emotions; excitement, boredom, happyness, sorrow and love.. Shaken, not stirred. Please.

I will miss everything at home that makes my life worth living. Especially she who holds my love with the caring hand of a Goddess. I want her to feel it, and that she will be worshipped in her absence without question. Unable to express my feelings in human words, I will have to get back to this in a later chapter.

I do feel a lot more content these days than before. Although I can’t be sure that it isn’t my imagination, but somewhere I have to believe in my own creative evolution, so to speak. I will take time to meditate on this further to cristallize and focus on this feeling a bit more. Still, even though I might feel and seem content or mindful, it all do feel like a spectacular acting. Sometimes I even act infront of myself to stand for some delusional, fortifying, self-centered dream of mine. Healthy or not, I know my boundries. Some times, I’d rather not. Ignorance is bliss.



I’ve been searching for a mentor-like persona for a great deal of my life. Not that internet sort of mentoring and not those ten minutes talks with a self proclaimed expert in some field. I would gladly dedicate my life to another person in the sense that he/she would teach me the very essence of living. And yes of course, the world is my neverending teacher. But sometimes I cannot interpret what the world need of me, and it’s in those times, I would need someone to translate and give me that poke on the nose and tell me that i’m not focused enough. I am tired of searching – Teachers in school, athletic trainers, officers in the military, friends of friends… The list goes on. But at the beginning of this year, I found a clear substitute for it, that I had forgotten existed. Books. They aren’t nearly as pedagogy as a human being can be, but they give me what I want – Information when I ask for it. Some books even tell me what to do to achieve different things. Isn’t it marvelous?

Seriously though, misunderstand me right, as you say in swedish. I love my newly christined fascination about books. But in the end, they are only as real as you make them. Like this text I am writing this very moment. Is it really me or you writing these words?

Love life!