Det finns inga ord och eller enkla beskrivningar som känns tillräckliga för att ge uttryck till dessa känslor.
Saknaden till dem jag älskar. Känslan inför att åka bort. En cocktail av skuld, spänning och . Möjligheterna som uppstår. Utmaningen som kommer med uppgiften. Den intima gemenskapen som uppstår med tidigare okända människor.
En del av mig känner att det inte känns rätt mot min familj. Att det känns egoistiskt. På vissa sätt så är det kanske det också. Samtidigt så är ingenting svart eller vitt. Det finns en nyans där jag har en vilja att hjälpa människor och att bli en “bättre” människa själv. En drivkraft att växa som person och verkligen utmana de sidor hos mig själv som jag upplever kan bidra till att jag blir den jag vill vara.
För mig är det närmast förklarat en spirituell resa, där jag bär med mig frön som jag ämnar att vattna med näring från ett sinnelag som kan bidra till att utveckla mig som person, som vän, som pappa och som partner.
Brœðr muno beriaz ok at bǫnom verða muno systrungar sifiom spilla. Hart er í heimi, hórdómr mikill —vindǫld, vargǫld— áðr verǫld steypiz. Mun engi maðr ǫðrom þyrma
Ibland får jag känslan av att saker jag nyligen läst om återkommer oftare och oftare därefter, nästan som om att “något” pekar en i den riktningen. Mer troligt är att vårat nyfunna intresse till något får oss att undermedvetet leta eller se dessa saker.
Har under de senaste åren uppmärksammat åtskilliga dokumentärer som bland annat upplyser oss om våran nedskräpning, uppvärmning och utfiskning av våran planet.
I somras skickade min far denna annorlunda, om än väldigt intressanta, artikel till mig: War Is Coming
Tycker personligen att den onämnda skribenten av artikeln är “spot on” i många avseenden.
Därefter ramlade David Jonstads bok, Kollaps: Livet vid civilisationens slut, från 2012, ner på mitt bord i höstas.
För den som inte läst den rekommenderar jag den starkt. Han sammanfattning av historien och våran nuvarande sköra situation är helt klart en av de bästa hittills.
Då jag återkommande gånger nu tjänstgjort utomlands i u-länder samt gillar tanken av att vara en s.k. “prepper”, så uppmärksammar jag onekligen vissa av människans värsta sidor, och finner ett konstigt än dock djupt intresse i detta.
Speciellt i de länder vi ofta “glömmer” bort eller helt enkelt skiter i att räkna med när vi pratar om den “välfärd” som vi vill ska sprida sig över jordklotet utan större eftertanke på vilka resurser det verkligen skulle krävas…
Där säkras den faktiska, om än långsamma, undergången av den civilisation vi känner till idag.
> Hur kan den pågående välfärden, transhumanismen och (om vi nu hinner med) singulariteten möjligtvis lösa dessa problem? > Finns det något annat sätt?
I mörkret ser jag en ljusglimt i samband med det nya året. En människas obevekliga tro på hopp. Om än är även denna väg färgad med mycket blod och död av den mänskliga populationen som vi envisas med att låta växa då barnadödlighet motverkas, kromosomfel accepteras fullt ut, alla ska ha sin egen avkomma och slutligen att all form av mänskligt liv förblir “heligt” i vårt starkt vinklade och instinktiva synsätt.
Alla ska med. We’re doomed.
a: usu. localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury); also: a basic bodily sensation induced by a noxious stimulus, received by naked nerve endings, characterized by physical discomfort (as pricking, throbbing, or aching), and typically leading to evasive action
b: acute mental or emotional distress or suffering :
Let’s mention something about pain.
Somewhere, I firmly believe it is better to feel whatever pain you have “as fully and as deeply as you possibly can”. Be it physical or psychological, let’s pay attention to it, observe it and dig into the knowledge it brings.
Most people hate it. Even I do the majority of times it hit me in chest. But almost always, it gives me something to work on, something to learn and eventually give back to the world. Pain can be the harbinger of enlightenment, while at the same time, Pain can be the harbinger of doom. Perspective and approach.
Wierdly enough, the heavily armed helicopters hovering above, promising the apocalypse for certain people, doesn’t bother me the least. The worst war in the last few years, as a neighborhood, doesn’t hit my empathy to its fullest extent.
The pain of longing and somewhat fear of a future unknown, is my on-going experience. But, at the same time, it is also the only real pain I feel right now. Approaching that with neutrality gives me a lesser approach bliss. Observing it with objectivity lets me handle life itself on a different level than ever before.
I got all the recipe for everything. Just pause, breathe and look inside. Then just go.
I find myself… Have I found myself? Quite a peculiar way of putting it, if you ask me.
Anyway, I find myself in a position of vulnerability. A feeling of low self-esteem hits me as a stone in the face. A stone in focus.
Why, you ask. Because I do not believe in myself?
Why, I ask. Because I do think I believe in myself. At least an illusion of a self that I try to inhabit and portray.
Moment of now, I find myself surrounded by men in transparent uniforms. Uniforms which themselves silently speaks with an unclaimed authority and a household of knowledge and history. A history that I do not hesitate to admire to the very core of my being. History that I imagine I can never be a part of.And maybe that’s the thing about everything. When you can’t have it, you may want it even more.
So where is my contentment?
I can feel it as it ripples inside me, calling for my outmost attention. I can, and I will now feel content where I am and ultimately who or what I am. I’ve come this far. Walking beside the titans of my age and culture.
I came here, through You, my eternal curse of love. Through myself and through the ever on-going cosmos.
…
Let’s jump through the rabbit hole. Once more.
No longer do I stand in servitude under officers in green.
No longer may I find anxiety or inner turmoil in a uniform.
No longer do I stand ready to be trained to kill.
Relief. Contentment. Justification.
Traces will be there. Memories shared; brothers wrestling, guns firing, officers proclaiming the honor and complete perfection of a soldiers life. I will miss it while I thrive in its absence. I justify this to myself, even though I know, deep within my heart, that I have not yet fully cut the umbilical cord just yet.
Nothing remains the same. I may call this a change of chapters, but the change is just a radical as it was a year ago, a month ago and yesterday.
Change is a ever happening phenomena, and we should embrace it. Even though I ought to cause us pain. Pain, in all its glory, should be embraced as a teacher.
May God give me strength to face the coming storm. May Buddha guide my path through the inevitable apocalypse. May You stand right next to me, when everything happens.
Time bending. Time teleporation. Time expanding. Time flowing. Time stopping.
At this moment, in time, there is a lot of suffering in the domain of time. “Time flies” as they say. But there is a lot of sayings about time, without anyone really knowing what time is.
I, for one, does not understand it. Nor do I think I will ever come to such understanding. What I do know is that I have to accept it.
Conventionally, time is divided into three distinct regions; the “past”, the “present”, and the “future”. Based on our categories and understandings in the same order; “memories”, “perception”, and “expectations”. That is our human way of describing time at this hour.
Still, I cannot discard the thought of it being an illusion of sorts. Several philosophers, including Anthipon and Parmenides, went further, maintaining that time, motion, and change were illusions. The buddhist also share this idea of thought. This thought spiral leads to a lot of paradoxes and may never hit the thinker with a clear and transparent answer though.
“Time is not an empirical concept. For neither co-existence nor succession would be perceived by us, if the representation of time did not exist as a foundation a priori. Without this presupposition we could not represent to ourselves that things exist together at one and the same time, or at different times, that is, contemporaneously, or in succession.”
Furthermore, I can see an end to my time as a soldier. A concept i’ve held onto. An ideal I still admire and salute to.
My current progress towards this end is less romantic than one would imagine. A royal guard. Castle guard. The King’s (or Emperor’s) personal guard. I will guard with honour and with my life. I create all these illusions to enhance my own moral. So, in truth, to remain sane, I do imagine myself being one of the following, with the following oath of course:
For most problems the soldier is issued a solution. If ill, go to sickbay. If wounded, call a Medic. If dead, report to graves registration. If losing his mind, however, no standard solution exists.
A story: A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he’s finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands, love a woman, build a house, change his son’s diaper; his hands remember the rifle.
Fuck politics. We’re here. All the rest is bullshit.
– Quotes originating from Jarhead, by Anthony Swafford
