Feb 21 2017

Start New Game

Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
– Charles Swindoll

I have higher tendencies to go angry at this moment in time. Especially when interacting with people. With or without people, the reaction is purely my own anyhow. I choose to react to all things coming at me and feed those emotions in certain situations where I feel uncomfortable, mostly because it is so easy and I get the illusion that it feels better. It doesn’t.
For good amount of time now, I have embraced emotions and feelings associated with negative energy. This, in order to tap into the power of change that lies within when we overcome these dreaded feelings. Now, I’m at a turning point. I do not need the despair to change things in my life.

The future depends on what you do today.
– Mahatma Gandhi

I am open now. Open to be vulnerable in order to to openly become invulnerable. Limited becomes limitless. Yin merges with Yang.
I’m still semi-searching for an easier way, knowing backstage of my mind that I will never find a short-cut worth the risk mostly because there are no such things when achieving greatness.

Everything that will happen, will happen today.

I want to believe.

Dec 31 2016

Operation Ragnarök

Brœðr muno beriaz
ok at bǫnom verða
muno systrungar
sifiom spilla.
Hart er í heimi,
hórdómr mikill
—vindǫld, vargǫld—
áðr verǫld steypiz.
Mun engi maðr
ǫðrom þyrma

Ibland får jag känslan av att saker jag nyligen läst om återkommer oftare och oftare därefter, nästan som om att “något” pekar en i den riktningen. Mer troligt är att vårat nyfunna intresse till något får oss att undermedvetet leta eller se dessa saker.

Har under de senaste åren uppmärksammat åtskilliga dokumentärer som bland annat upplyser oss om våran nedskräpning, uppvärmning och utfiskning av våran planet.

I somras skickade min far denna annorlunda, om än väldigt intressanta, artikel till mig:
War Is Coming
Tycker personligen att den onämnda skribenten av artikeln är “spot on” i många avseenden.

Därefter ramlade David Jonstads bok, Kollaps: Livet vid civilisationens slut, från 2012, ner på mitt bord i höstas.
För den som inte läst den rekommenderar jag den starkt. Han sammanfattning av historien och våran nuvarande sköra situation är helt klart en av de bästa hittills.

Då jag återkommande gånger nu tjänstgjort utomlands i u-länder samt gillar tanken av att vara en s.k. “prepper”, så uppmärksammar jag onekligen vissa av människans värsta sidor, och finner ett konstigt än dock djupt intresse i detta.
Speciellt i de länder vi ofta “glömmer” bort eller helt enkelt skiter i att räkna med när vi pratar om den “välfärd” som vi vill ska sprida sig över jordklotet utan större eftertanke på vilka resurser det verkligen skulle krävas…

Där säkras den faktiska, om än långsamma, undergången av den civilisation vi känner till idag.

> Hur kan den pågående välfärden, transhumanismen och (om vi nu hinner med) singulariteten möjligtvis lösa dessa problem?
> Finns det något annat sätt?

I mörkret ser jag en ljusglimt i samband med det nya året. En människas obevekliga tro på hopp. Om än är även denna väg färgad med mycket blod och död av den mänskliga populationen som vi envisas med att låta växa då barnadödlighet motverkas, kromosomfel accepteras fullt ut, alla ska ha sin egen avkomma och slutligen att all form av mänskligt liv förblir “heligt” i vårt starkt vinklade och instinktiva synsätt.
Alla ska med. We’re doomed.


Gott nytt år, bröder och systrar.

Nov 10 2016


a :  usu. localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury); also :  a basic bodily sensation induced by a noxious stimulus, received by naked nerve endings, characterized by physical discomfort (as pricking, throbbing, or aching), and typically leading to evasive action

b :  acute mental or emotional distress or suffering :


Let’s mention something about pain.

Somewhere, I firmly believe it is better to feel whatever pain you have “as fully and as deeply as you possibly can”. Be it physical or psychological, let’s pay attention to it, observe it and dig into the knowledge it brings.

Most people hate it. Even I do the majority of times it hit me in chest. But almost always, it gives me something to work on, something to learn and eventually give back to the world. Pain can be the harbinger of enlightenment, while at the same time, Pain can be the harbinger of doom. Perspective and approach.
Wierdly enough, the heavily armed helicopters hovering above, promising the apocalypse for certain people, doesn’t bother me the least. The worst war in the last few years, as a neighborhood, doesn’t hit my empathy to its fullest extent.

The pain of longing and somewhat fear of a future unknown, is my on-going experience. But, at the same time, it is also the only real pain I feel right now. Approaching that with neutrality gives me a lesser approach bliss. Observing it with objectivity lets me handle life itself on a different level than ever before.

I got all the recipe for everything. Just pause, breathe and look inside. Then just go.

Jan 9 2015

The Ponderer

pon•der (ˈpɒn dər)

1. to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate.
2. to weigh carefully in the mind; consider thoughtfully: to ponder one’s next move.

ponder·er n.


And then it comes. It’s the tip of the iceberg.
The culmination. The sweetest lie.
It is the stuff of legends and the crossing of reality, the mainstream hangover and the will-o-wisp of the Pirate Bay.
My feelings are like a mongrel breed. New. Fresh. Flawless. Changed. Endless.
Never again.
I say…

Dec 13 2014

two sides of the same coin

  • “All that we are arises with our thoughts. The mind is everything; With our thoughts we make the world / create our reality. If the mind is clear, what ever we do or say the mind will bring happiness that will follow you like your shadow.”

  • “All that we are arises with our thoughts. The mind is everything; With our thoughts we make the world / create our reality. If the mind is polluted, what ever we do or say leads to suffering which will follow you as a cart trails a horse.”


“chos rnams yid kyi rang bzhin te yid ni gtso zhing sngon la ‘gro”

Dec 11 2014

What about tomorrow?

Look at oneself in the mirror and dare to look back with all the heart.

Mesmerizing memories to a distant backpack.

Futile thoughts of control ends in laughter.

Winning the day when we actually care.

Look at thy self in the mirror and dare to measure your karma.

Dec 4 2014


I sit now and write you this letter
For I feel I deserved better
Is it that you couldn’t face the day
Is that why you throwed our life away

Our life had just begun
We were having so much fun
I told you I would never desert you
I told you I would not lie
All I asked is that you gave my love a real try

Curator now of broken hearts
Guardian of hopes lacking smarts
True lies sought for broken alibis
Pondered efforts the blind child cries

Sit now and try to read
In soil of love planted I the seed
Hollowed hearts now will bleed
Soul of a child no more I will feed
Words spoken now I heed
Blind leading the blind I will not lead
Sacrificed the day for all good deeds
lucid nights on waited needs

Weep no more my willow tree
Reckless decision made for you and thee
For you, all was not as it seemed
So goodbye to you the summer I had dreamed

Winter approaches with hurricanes thrust
Season gone without acquiring trust
Autumn looms with a chilling touch
Romance fades questioned too much

I will never know what I did wrong
All I did was sing you a love song

Could it be that I wasted the day
Did I throw my love away
A rift in time or a dimple
For now it all seems so simple

Dec 3 2014


A way station.
The train that leads me to you is only on one side.
The other side has a train that leads me to a galaxy far, far away.

I stand waiting… For what? Another period of life that will lead up to the same way station again, and again, and again…?
I would do that. If you gave me the sign. A sign that you would stay strong in the constant change of emotion, stay vigilant in your pursuit of creating a family with me and our daughter. I would stay.
Cause we are changing with everything within and around us. The currents of change may take us apart for periods of time, rendering us being together with only a small grip, but cannot seperate us without one of us letting go.

I told you once that I made up my mind.
How do you want to live your life? With whom will you find the comfort of love? How do you want to see our daughter grow up?