Feb 21 2017

Start New Game

Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
– Charles Swindoll

I have higher tendencies to go angry at this moment in time. Especially when interacting with people. With or without people, the reaction is purely my own anyhow. I choose to react to all things coming at me and feed those emotions in certain situations where I feel uncomfortable, mostly because it is so easy and I get the illusion that it feels better. It doesn’t.
For good amount of time now, I have embraced emotions and feelings associated with negative energy. This, in order to tap into the power of change that lies within when we overcome these dreaded feelings. Now, I’m at a turning point. I do not need the despair to change things in my life.

The future depends on what you do today.
– Mahatma Gandhi

I am open now. Open to be vulnerable in order to to openly become invulnerable. Limited becomes limitless. Yin merges with Yang.
I’m still semi-searching for an easier way, knowing backstage of my mind that I will never find a short-cut worth the risk mostly because there are no such things when achieving greatness.

Everything that will happen, will happen today.

I want to believe.

Nov 10 2016


a :  usu. localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury); also :  a basic bodily sensation induced by a noxious stimulus, received by naked nerve endings, characterized by physical discomfort (as pricking, throbbing, or aching), and typically leading to evasive action

b :  acute mental or emotional distress or suffering :


Let’s mention something about pain.

Somewhere, I firmly believe it is better to feel whatever pain you have “as fully and as deeply as you possibly can”. Be it physical or psychological, let’s pay attention to it, observe it and dig into the knowledge it brings.

Most people hate it. Even I do the majority of times it hit me in chest. But almost always, it gives me something to work on, something to learn and eventually give back to the world. Pain can be the harbinger of enlightenment, while at the same time, Pain can be the harbinger of doom. Perspective and approach.
Wierdly enough, the heavily armed helicopters hovering above, promising the apocalypse for certain people, doesn’t bother me the least. The worst war in the last few years, as a neighborhood, doesn’t hit my empathy to its fullest extent.

The pain of longing and somewhat fear of a future unknown, is my on-going experience. But, at the same time, it is also the only real pain I feel right now. Approaching that with neutrality gives me a lesser approach bliss. Observing it with objectivity lets me handle life itself on a different level than ever before.

I got all the recipe for everything. Just pause, breathe and look inside. Then just go.

Apr 23 2016

The Plan

  • a scheme or method of acting, doing, proceeding, making, etc., developed in advance:
    battle plans.
  • a design or scheme of arrangement, a specific project or definite purpose:

    plans for the future.


A year later, nothing has really changed.

Yet, at the same time, everything will.

You never told yourself that it would an easy choice.


Welcome back.



Dec 5 2014

Lucid nights and dreams abound






Dec 4 2014


I sit now and write you this letter
For I feel I deserved better
Is it that you couldn’t face the day
Is that why you throwed our life away

Our life had just begun
We were having so much fun
I told you I would never desert you
I told you I would not lie
All I asked is that you gave my love a real try

Curator now of broken hearts
Guardian of hopes lacking smarts
True lies sought for broken alibis
Pondered efforts the blind child cries

Sit now and try to read
In soil of love planted I the seed
Hollowed hearts now will bleed
Soul of a child no more I will feed
Words spoken now I heed
Blind leading the blind I will not lead
Sacrificed the day for all good deeds
lucid nights on waited needs

Weep no more my willow tree
Reckless decision made for you and thee
For you, all was not as it seemed
So goodbye to you the summer I had dreamed

Winter approaches with hurricanes thrust
Season gone without acquiring trust
Autumn looms with a chilling touch
Romance fades questioned too much

I will never know what I did wrong
All I did was sing you a love song

Could it be that I wasted the day
Did I throw my love away
A rift in time or a dimple
For now it all seems so simple

Aug 12 2014

Theoretical Ambition Manifested

A moment in time, mirrored by our previous experiences.
We exaggerate the chosen situation and make it special, nullifying all the other moments passing through our mind and presence at the same time.

I will let myself miss you. A lot.

Now, is the time to choose. Now, is the time to do it. Now, is the time to become my own personification of representation.

You: Renich i lú i erui govannem?
Me: Nauthannen i ned ôl reniannen.
You: Gwenwin in enninath…
You: Ú-‘arnech in naeth i si celich.
You: Renich i beth i pennen?

Jan 10 2014

Insight, natural energy and the Kalapas

Meditation by Goro79 on deviantART

Meditation by Goro79 on deviantART


I have satisfied an urge to become a monk. Although answers I sought has now been replaced by more questions.
Through short and intense training of the so called vipassanā meditation (vipassana meaning; insight into the true nature of reality) I now inhibit a new experience of introspection on mostly the physical level. I realized a very interesting phenomenon occuring in our human bodies, in an endless sort of ‘appearing and disappearing’ manner (destruction and creation?), in forms of energized tiny vibrations. My initial training in this technique resided around various buddhist teachings. More specifically, teachings that proclaimed itself being over 2500 years old, leading back to the time when Siddhartha Gautama, also known as the Buddha, re-discovered this technique (re-discovered, as they say. I wonder who, or what, discovered it before him).
I find myself, not disapproving their philosophy or theories, but a willingness inside me to broaden my perspective.

The ancient asian Qi principle has long been branded as mere “mythology” in modern times. I must say though, the thought of this “energy flow” is not so far away from my physical experience, thus my interest.

Qi flow through different meridians

While this can be a complete coincidence, I can imagine that the ancient people of asia that came up with this “theory” or “principle” of Qi, experienced something similiar as I have. How many other “energized”, “electric flows” through the body can we have?
If this is the case, and i’ve come across a physical sensation/stimuli that resembles the Qi, and in short, one of the inspirations of the so called The Force, featured in Star Wars… Then I’m even more satisfied.

In any case, an interesting thought around this is what this actually is – the feeling itself.
The possibility of it being a mere illusion is slim, very slim. Taking into account all the thousands of people that has ventured and done these courses in modern day society, and gotten the effect. Even on my course, I saw the most sceptical around at least getting these vibrations in his face.

The buddhist theory, which are a part of the vipassana teaching, is referring to that these vibrations and sensations are the late product of Kalapas. These kalapas can be described as the following:
“Kalapas (“particles of perception”), according to the Buddha, are the tiniest of particles which ultimately constitute mind and matter. Foreshadowing modern physics by two and a half millenia, they are said to arise and pass away trillions of times in the blink of an eye.”

While I haven’t found any real truth of this, one may take into account that modern science hasn’t really gotten that far in explaining the tiniest of particles just yet. Leaving this idea to be a mere theory of self-experience, as you are supposedly about to experience this as you reach nibbāna (nirvana), or the disintegration of the mind and body.

Nevertheless. Whatever these sensations, vibrations, indications and/or life force really is, the most important question may be; how does it really affect our daily lives and the way we think?
The buddhist philosophy talks of impurities that are getting abolished while practicising their method of observing these vibrations. There are several branches who practices to balance Qi, such as Qigong, but also Feng shui, certain martial arts.
Lastly, acupuncture, the use of needles to access different parts of the meridians and make Qi flow more easily in the body, has actually scientifically proven to be successful in treating various sicknesses and symptoms of pain.

I will meditate further, and dive into this sea of ‘awareness’.. That frankly doesn’t seem to have a straight answer to anything.

Sep 28 2013

stone in focus

I find myself… Have I found myself? Quite a peculiar way of putting it, if you ask me.

Anyway, I find myself in a position of vulnerability. A feeling of low self-esteem hits me as a stone in the face. A stone in focus.
Why, you ask. Because I do not believe in myself?
Why, I ask. Because I do think I believe in myself. At least an illusion of a self that I try to inhabit and portray.

Moment of now, I find myself surrounded by men in transparent uniforms. Uniforms which themselves silently speaks with an unclaimed authority and a household of knowledge and history. A history that I do not hesitate to admire to the very core of my being. History that I imagine I can never be a part of.And maybe that’s the thing about everything. When you can’t have it, you may want it even more.

So where is my contentment?
I can feel it as it ripples inside me, calling for my outmost attention. I can, and I will now feel content where I am and ultimately who or what I am. I’ve come this far. Walking beside the titans of my age and culture.

I came here, through You, my eternal curse of love. Through myself and through the ever on-going cosmos.

Let’s jump through the rabbit hole. Once more.